My Heart’s Shattered… Now What, God?
Have you ever felt like God handed you a blessing, only to have it unexpectedly ripped away? You’re left blindsided, shocked, confused. You don’t understand how something you thanked and praised God for, something you believed He lovingly placed in your hands, could end in disaster.
Maybe you prayed for something that never happened. Maybe you begged God to stop something painful, but it still came.
If that’s you, I want you to know this: you are not alone.
I’ve carried that same shock, loss, and even anger. I’ve asked God the hard questions: “How could a God who is all-knowing, merciful, and full of love let me hurt this deeply?”
Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Even when I couldn’t feel it, God was near to the version of me that felt crushed beyond recognition.
I can’t speak into your exact situation, but I can share my story, and maybe parts of it will echo your own.
Am I Enough?
My feelings of not being “enough” began long before adulthood. I was an only child to loving parents, a straight-A student, a teacher’s pet, but with very few friends.
As a teen, I believed friendships or boys would fill the emptiness, but they didn’t. In college, living away from everything familiar, my mental health worsened. I felt painfully isolated, even in crowded rooms.
In my longing not to feel alone, I fell into unhealthy relationships, until I met the man I would marry.
The Marriage I Thought God Sent
At 24, it felt like everything was finally falling into place. Married at 25, house at 26, business at 27. I believed my prayers were being answered. I believed this relationship was God’s blessing after years of heartache.
But slowly, cracks began forming, first in finances, then communication, then emotional distance. Eventually, the cracks grew into emotional abuse that consumed my spirit.
The darkness became overwhelming. I begged God to fix our marriage. We served in youth ministry, volunteered in VBS, and attended church every Sunday. I believed divorce wasn’t an option. I held tightly to Matthew 19:6: “What God has joined together, let no one separate.”
But I didn’t yet understand that God never calls His children to remain in harm. His Word also says:
“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness.” (Ephesians 5:11)
And Jesus Himself said He came “to set the oppressed free.” (Luke 4:18)
The Decision That Broke My Heart
As things escalated and counseling was refused, I reached a place where I saw no way forward. Leaving was the hardest, most heartbreaking, life-altering decision I have ever made.
I faced criticism, spiritual pressure, and judgment from people I trusted. But in the middle of all that noise, I felt God whisper the truth of Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”
When I finally walked away, it wasn’t because I lacked commitment. It was because I finally believed God meant what He said—that He is a refuge for the oppressed.
“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” - Psalm 9:9
Leaving wasn’t running away from His will. It was running toward the refuge He promised.
Walking Through Shame, Hurt, and Healing
After I left, I was shamed by some in the Christian community. I felt judged, pushed aside, and more alone than ever.
The year that followed was filled with grief, fear, and questions for God:
“Why didn’t You save my marriage?”
“Why did You let it get this far?”
“Why is this my story?”
Psalm 13:1 became the cry of my heart: “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?”
Leaving my home, job, and life at 28 to move back with my parents was never part of the plan. But looking back, I see now that God used that painful reset as an act of mercy, not punishment. Romans 8:28 tells us, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.”
At the time, I didn’t see the good. I only saw the ashes. But God specializes in bringing beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3).
Where God Has Me Now
I wish I could say that after a year and a half, everything is perfect. It’s not. I still battle anxiety. I still struggle with trust. I still have days where the past feels too close.
But I can say this with confidence:
God has redeemed me in ways I didn’t believe possible.
He has drawn me closer to Him this year than ever before.
And He has carried me through every moment I thought I couldn’t survive.
I now live in a new town, in a cute, girly apartment. I have a job with amazing coworkers I love. And I have peace in my daily life, a precious gift I will never take for granted again.
Isaiah 43:2 has become my anchor:
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you… when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.”
I don’t understand everything I’ve walked through. But I’m learning to surrender what I cannot decipher and to wait in confident expectation for the good God is still writing.
And if you are in a season of confusion, heartbreak, or loss, I want to remind you of this truth:
You do not walk alone.
God is your refuge.
He is near to the brokenhearted.
And He will carry you through.